Okay, so I really mislead you by thinking I had the answer to this. I don't exactly. But I might be on to something.
First thing to remember...if your child is over the age of 13, he/she already thinks he/she is smarter than you and intends to leverage that to his/her advantage at every (EVERY) opportunity. I know it is not fair, but if you really think that life is or should be fair, this is probably not a good blog for you anyway.
Second thing to remember...there is always an agenda. It may be a simple one, like they want to get out of working or school. Or it may be a little more devious, like they want to spend some "private time" with their boyfriend. If you have a daughter, they tend to be more complex creatures. Daughters know how important being a good mom is to you. If you let them, they will flip you on a dime using the "Sword of Guilt". If you watch them too closely, you are not a good mom because you are overprotective and smothering. If to take your eyes off them for a week or two, and in that time three of their grades drop to a C or a D then it is because you do not care. When you do get back on their back you get the lecture "Don't act like you care now mom!". The question begs, what is their agenda? Usually power or freedom, both of which they have no business having at their tender age.
Third thing to remember is that everything that they do is working toward that agenda. Crying, being ill, acting hysterical, picking a fight with a girl at school, picking a fight with their father are all TACTICS. All steps to give them some kind of an advantage or leg up on a future battle or to leverage you to make a decision in their favor in the future.
For example. A daughter who has been ranting and raving from Monday and Tuesday probably wants to improve the leverage situation with mom before the weekend. So on Wednesday she will become sad, reflective, perhaps even self-deprecating. Mom and Dad ask her what is wrong. Why are you so sad? She will say its the boyfriend who is treating her like wallpaper or its the bitchy girls at school and the fact that she "has no real friends" to share her feelings with. But in truth it is probably none of these things. It really is just a football game she wants to go to on Friday, that she knows she better do some super fast damage control or she will be in the house for the weekend. She knows the direct approach of saying "okay, I have been impossible, let me know what I can do to fix this, or work I could do around the house to help so I can avoid a weekend jail sentence" will usually include some kind of work or effort on her part.
But a full blown sympathy cruise with mom and dad is so much easier and effective. Thats right, she will act so forlorn, so depressed, so on the verge of suicide or cutting on Thursday that Mom or Dad will do anything to see their precious baby happy. So when a "new friend" appears on the weekend horizon (i.e on the way to school Friday morning) and she says this friend is so much nicer than all those awful girls on the volleyball team and she is someone mom would just LOVE to meet, then mom buys it because YES YES YES, I want my daughter to have a better peer group. The idea of a girl with good Christian values whose parents are engaged in her life and who go to youth group at church is so much better than the misery that existed in our home up until last Tuesday that as a tired and manipulated parent you take the BAIT....and you not only let her go, you give her $20 so she will enjoy herself on that trip with those "nice girls". You don't find out till later that these girls were just as bad, if not worse than the vball girls, and in fact most of them have already had sex, have their naval peirced, and have sent nude pics to her boyfriend. Oh and btw, that $20 went to a new push up bra from Victorias Secret. One that you would search her room every day for the next week so that you can take it from her.
The trick is to know that there is an agenda. And when you feel yourself being played (and you will if you slow down and listen to what is really being said) you can always say STOP RIGHT NOW! I am getting off the crazy train. Oh and btw honey bun, you are not going anywhere this weekend. Just make sure you say this right after you seize her cell phone.
