Okay, I even admit that I couldn't stand many of my "mommy" groups. That's right. My assessment was that many of those moms were either way over the top obsessive about their kids' germs, achievements and their waist size or they were overly medicated and didn't care much about anything - even whether or not they combed their hair or if they had dried vomit on their shirts. Maybe it was just the mom's I hung out with but I am pretty sure that they were equally annoyed with me. I, after all, KNEW EVERYTHING.
That's right - that was me. I actually read all those annoying articles in the pediatrician's office and I offered advice as generously as a good Olive Garden waiter heaps on fresh ground parmesan. I took my mom job way too seriously and I followed a lot of the rules that moms are supposed to follow in parenting. Of course I had my favorite rules to break - just like the rest of you, but by and large I towed the line..for awhile. After a decade the advice columns start sounding really insipid, I mean how many different suggestions do you need to get your kid into the BEST college, or to make sure your child has the BEST lunch at school? Really? Is some magazine really smarter than me about raising my kids? Probably not. I started thinking those articles were for OTHER moms, you know the ones who are insecure and always second guessing themselves. Who has time for that? To me, life is happening NOW baby! And it moves at 90mph and you just hang on and hope you make it out alive. On those RARE occasions when you are actually hanging with your kids just doing nothing, who wants to pull out that magazine and say.. Hey here's something we really should do... Let's make an emotion tree and all the leaves will represent different feelings! Yeah not me. I guess I'm just a pessimist but wherever i tried anything cute like that my family always looked at me like i was crazy.. At least after the kids were out of diapers.
Us parents of teens are different. We look back with nostalgia at those times when our kids actually thought what we said was funny. Or when asking them to do something was received with an "OK mommy, can you help me?" rather than a smirk and walking away.
So what is a mom to do when the babes no longer need us? Sure we want to be needed but once they have hit 12 or 13 their "needing" you becomes SUPER annoying and kind of embarrasing. That's right - if we have to keep "saving" and "helping" our kids then can us moms really consider ourselves successful at our jobs? What was our job again? Was it our job to forge a permanent place in the lives of our children, or was it really supposed to be to make ourselves obsolete? What kind of sadistic job is it where you intentionally work yourself out of a job? That is in fact the ugly truth of motherhood.
Okay so it's not really "ugly" unless you fight it. Then it can get very ugly indeed. We all know those moms. They are so sad - so pathetic. They are running all over town to get their adult son his favorite video game. How about the mom who regularly shows up at her daughters' college dorm and cleans it for her? Or the mom who fills out her high school sons college applications because he is "too busy"? Really? Who is paying the rent and taking care of the home? Not sonny boy I assure you. If he has no time to apply to college that is a good sign he is not college material. But "super NEEDED mom" cannot see this because she is too busy being her adult child's "everything".
Is it a wonder that so many young adults fail to "launch" and leave the nest? I mean the big wide world is scary. Who is going to do my grocery shopping? Who is going to pay for my cellphone plan? Who is going to make my doctors appointments? Why would anyone leave home today when they have so many services provided for them at home?
We mom's really cannot help but judge each other once in awhile. I mean how can you not shake your head when a mother complains that her 20 year old son won't do anything for himself, when the women who've watched her raise this child saw it coming for over ten years? These things don't happen over night after all. When the bratty ten year old birthday monster gets to take his blindfold off and beat the shit out of the piñata because mommy figured it wasn't FAIR that the little girl at the party was a heck of a slugger and might actually do the job better and make her poor baby look bad you know this won't end well.
So who's guilty here? Is it the mom or the sisters of this mom or friends of this mom who failed to reach her? Did they just sit silently by and let her ruin her kid? Were they like me.. did they look away from the oncoming train and avoid future birthday parties? What was really going on when the kid was 10? Why did mom feel the need to FIX everything in her kids world? What was it doing for her?
Was it more important for that kid to be her friend and her companion and get her through her life? Or did she just really get too attached with the whole slave roll? Or did she just think her kid was so inferior that he couldn't compete in the world without her constant coaching? I know what you're thinking no mother would admit to that... but maybe it's true
I actually know women who truly define their mothering by how much they do for their kids. They clean for them, cook every meal, pack every lunch, show up for EVERY school event in the classroom (even some working moms). I'm going out on a limb here and this is going to piss off a lot of people but i think even allergies and many illnesses of children are milked by moms for all they are worth. I mean what makes a mom more important in a child's life if not to be the barrier between their kits and the world when something as tiny and unpredictable as a peanut allergy or asthma attack can kill them? Sure makes that mom with the epi pen in her purse pretty valuable doesn't it? And how about all those syndromes and disorders moms like to toss around as a reason for kids problems? I know it is not the RULE - but I swear some moms just seem to love to drone on about the ailments and "syndromes" of their kids and find that discussing their child's latest medical malady makes them the height of interesting. Well it doesn't work. So if pity isn't your best way to become talked about by your neighbors and friends, keep your medical history and that of your child between you, your immediate family, your doctor, and the one sad friend of yours who actually cares.
I'm pretty sure my kids had a few acronyms they could have been labeled with during their elementary years, but I'm a mean mom and i put my foot down. You don't have OCD your just weird. You don't have ADD your a busy kid full of energy so go play on your pogo-stick or trampoline. My warning to my kids was always "don't let anyone label you because then you will have to live by the lower expectations that that label put on you.". Even when they were injured or sick I encourage them not to talk their friends but to keep it to themselves. I'm my experience pity is an useless and paralyzing thing, and attention is a drug.
So why do so many of us mom's keep trying to be super important in our kids lives long after its necessary?
I mean when they're toddlers I get it we've got to wipe their noses and teach him how to use a toilet. But when does it stop? At what point do you say enough? Teenagers are on the cusp of adulthood, is there ANYTHING they shouldn't be trained to do? When is it a good time to teach a boy how to be a man? How about when he's a boy? Not when he is 16! Because it's already too late! Please tell me why we are doing anything for our teenage kids? Isn't figuring stuff out part of the learning process that they are entitled to experience? Why are we depriving our kids of this?
Every single time that you do something for your young adult child, you are actually saying that they cannot or should not do it themselves. That you are better at it and they should just let you take over. Are they too dumb or irresponsible to do it themselves? If that's the case fix that early or its going to stick. Are you trying to protect him or her? From what exactly? From the world he or she will soon have to live in? I never got the whole need for mothers to protect their offspring. Sure I'll spray him with sunblock or take him to the hospital if he has serious symptoms, but when it comes to the world where your kid exists and you AREN'T WITH THEM every minute, really who can you honestly protect your kids from? Wouldn't it be better to prepare them to face the inevitabaly scary things that exist in the world today? Isn't that, in fact your REAL job?
If your kid is painfully shy and clinging when he is young, it's your job to STOP IT, not encourage it and coddle the kid and warn everyone so they tip toe around your fragile offspring. Throw him or her into the ball pit. He won't die! If he's afraid of water get him swimming lessons or teach him yourself. Is there a phobia that needs to be faced... face it with him and teach him how powerful he REALLY IS!
Teach AND encourage your child to stand up to a bully, don't teach him to report it to the teacher because you know that's never a solution unless you yourself were not ever a kid. We all know that tattling only made it worse.
Teach him to respect guns and yes even how to shoot. Don't make him afraid of guns unless they are pointed at him. Here's the truth.. no matter your opinion about guns, your opinions won't protect your kid from a shooter or criminal. If your kid is ever attacked you're going to wish he or she was packing.
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Teach your kids to go into dark rooms and face the darkness, don't protect them from it. Show them how to use a flashlight and keep the batteries fresh. Because darkness exists everywhere, and it is patently unavoidable.
Let's talk about stranger danger. How about teaching your kid to watch out for and confront strangers rather than teach them to hide or run from them because strangers are everywhere. Be honest with your kids at an early age about what predators are looking for. Stop worrying about scaring them, they SHOULD be scared if they knew what some sick people do to kids so TELL THEM!
Teach your kid how to use their natural great instincts to protect themselves. Show them and talk to them about the big scary world outside by taking them into it and letting them make their own mistakes.
It's not our jobs to do anything for these young adults. It is our job to show them how to do pretty much everything we know. If you cut your grass you should be showing your kid how to cut grass. If you are baking bread you should be showing your kid how to bake bread. If you're doing laundry you should be showing your kid how to do laundry. It's not just good to teach kids things like this it's our job! And when we don't do it we're not doing our job get it?
So here's a takeaway.. get a life mom. You're kids will thank you later.
