Will you miss the drudgery?

I have a confession. I am  a mom who used to really dread carpool. I also despised stuffed animals, balloons and doing silly crafts that I would throw away a month later.  I also admit that I kind of resented that I couldn't (in good sense) own expensive furniture because I learned from the mistakes of my friends that white couches and small children simply do not go together.

Okay,  I even admit that I couldn't stand many of my "mommy" groups.  That's right.  My assessment was that many of those moms were either way over the top obsessive about their kids' germs, achievements and their waist size or they were overly medicated and didn't care much about anything - even whether or not they combed their hair or if they had dried vomit on their shirts.   Maybe it was just the mom's I hung out with but I am pretty sure that they were equally annoyed with me.  I, after all, KNEW EVERYTHING.

That's right - that was me.  I actually read all those annoying articles in the pediatrician's office and I offered advice as generously as a good Olive Garden waiter heaps on fresh ground parmesan.  I took my mom job way too seriously and I followed a lot of the rules that moms are supposed to follow in parenting.  Of course I had my favorite rules to break - just like the rest of you, but by and large I towed the line..for awhile.  After a decade the advice columns start sounding really insipid, I mean how many different suggestions do you need to get your kid into the BEST college, or to make sure your child has the BEST lunch at school?  Really?  Is some magazine really smarter than me about raising my kids?  Probably not.  I started thinking those articles were for OTHER moms, you know the ones who are insecure and always second guessing themselves. Who has time for that?  To me, life is happening NOW baby!  And it moves at 90mph and you just hang on and hope you make it out alive. On those RARE occasions when you are actually hanging with your kids just doing nothing, who wants to pull out that magazine and say.. Hey here's something we really should do... Let's make an emotion tree and all the leaves will represent different feelings!  Yeah not me.  I guess I'm just a pessimist but wherever i tried anything cute like that my family always looked at me like i was crazy.. At least after the kids were out of diapers.

Us parents of teens are different.  We look back with nostalgia at those times when our kids actually thought what we said was funny.  Or when asking them to do something was received with an "OK mommy, can you help me?" rather than a smirk and walking away.

So what is a mom to do when the babes no longer need us?  Sure we want to be needed but once they have hit 12 or 13 their "needing" you becomes SUPER annoying and kind of embarrasing.  That's right - if we have to keep "saving" and "helping" our kids then can us moms really consider ourselves successful at our jobs?  What was our job again?  Was it our job to forge a permanent place in the lives of our children, or was it really supposed to be to make ourselves obsolete?  What kind of sadistic job is it where you intentionally work yourself out of a job? That is in fact the ugly truth of motherhood.

Okay so it's not really "ugly" unless you fight it.  Then it can get very ugly indeed.  We all know those moms.  They are so sad - so pathetic.  They are running all over town to get their adult son his favorite video game.  How about the mom who regularly shows up at her daughters' college dorm and cleans it for her?  Or the mom who fills out her high school sons college applications because he is "too busy"? Really?  Who is paying the rent and taking care of the home?  Not sonny boy I assure you.  If he has no time to apply to college that is a good sign he is not college material.  But "super NEEDED mom" cannot see this because she is too busy being her adult child's "everything".

Is it a wonder that so many young adults fail to "launch" and leave the nest?  I mean the big wide world is scary.  Who is going to do my grocery shopping?  Who is going to pay for my cellphone plan?  Who is going to make my doctors appointments?  Why would anyone leave home today when they have so many services provided for them at home?

We mom's really cannot help but judge each other once in awhile. I mean how can you not shake your head when a mother complains that her 20 year old son won't do anything for himself, when the women who've watched her raise this child saw it coming for over ten years? These things don't happen over night after all.  When the bratty ten year old birthday monster gets to take his blindfold off and beat the shit out of the piñata because mommy figured it wasn't FAIR that the little girl at the party was a heck of a slugger and might actually do the job better and make her poor baby look bad you know this won't end well.

So who's guilty here? Is it the mom or the sisters of this mom or friends of this mom who failed to reach her? Did they just sit silently by and let her ruin her kid?  Were they like me.. did they look away from the oncoming train and avoid future birthday parties?  What was really going on when the kid was 10? Why did mom feel the need to FIX everything in her kids world?  What was it doing for her?

Was it more important for that kid to be her friend and her companion and get her through her life? Or did she just really get too attached with the whole slave roll? Or did she just think her kid was so inferior that he couldn't compete in the world without her constant coaching?  I know what you're thinking no mother would admit to that... but maybe it's true

I actually know women who truly define their mothering by how much they do for their kids. They clean for them, cook every meal, pack every lunch, show up for EVERY school event in the classroom (even some working moms).  I'm going out on a limb here and this is going to piss off a lot of people but i think even allergies and many illnesses of children are milked by moms for all they are worth.  I mean what makes a mom more important in a child's life if not to be the barrier between their kits and the world when something as tiny and unpredictable as a peanut allergy or asthma attack can kill them?  Sure makes that mom with the epi pen in her purse pretty valuable doesn't it?  And how about all those syndromes and disorders moms like to toss around as a reason for kids problems?  I know it is not the RULE - but I swear some moms just seem to love to drone on about the ailments and "syndromes" of their kids and find that discussing their child's latest medical malady makes them the height of interesting.  Well it doesn't work.  So if pity isn't your best way to become talked about by your neighbors and friends, keep your medical history and that of your child between you, your immediate family, your doctor, and the one sad friend of yours who actually cares. 

I'm pretty sure my kids had a few acronyms they could have been labeled with during their elementary years, but I'm a mean mom and i put my foot down.  You don't have OCD your just weird.  You don't have ADD your a busy kid full of energy so go play on your pogo-stick or trampoline.  My warning to my kids was always "don't let anyone label you because then you will have to live by the lower expectations that that label put on you.". Even when they were injured or sick I encourage them not to talk their friends but to keep it to themselves. I'm my experience pity is an useless and paralyzing thing, and attention is a drug.

 So why do so many of us mom's keep trying to be super important in our kids lives long after its necessary?

I mean when they're toddlers I get it we've got to wipe their noses and teach him how to use a toilet. But when does it stop?  At what point do you say enough?   Teenagers are on the cusp of adulthood, is there ANYTHING they shouldn't be trained to do?  When is it a good time to teach a boy how to be a man? How about when he's a boy? Not when he is 16! Because it's already too late!  Please tell me why we are doing anything for our teenage kids? Isn't figuring stuff out part of the learning process that they are entitled to experience?  Why are we depriving our kids of this?

Every single time that you do something for your young adult child, you are actually saying that they cannot or should not do it themselves.  That you are better at it and they should just let you take over.  Are they too dumb or irresponsible to do it themselves? If that's the case fix that early or its going to stick. Are you trying to protect him or her?  From what exactly?  From the world he or she will soon have to live in?  I never got the whole need for mothers to protect their offspring. Sure I'll spray him with sunblock or take him to the hospital if he has serious symptoms, but when it comes to the world where your kid exists and you AREN'T WITH THEM every minute, really who can you honestly protect your kids from? Wouldn't it be better to prepare them to face the inevitabaly scary things that exist in the world today?  Isn't that, in fact your REAL job?

If your kid is painfully shy and clinging when he is young, it's your job to STOP IT, not encourage it and coddle the kid and warn everyone so they tip toe around your fragile offspring.  Throw him or her into the ball pit.  He won't die!  If he's afraid of water get him swimming lessons or teach him yourself. Is there a phobia that needs to be faced... face it with him and teach him how powerful he REALLY IS!

Teach AND encourage your child to stand up to a bully, don't teach him to report it to the teacher because you know that's never a solution unless you yourself were not ever a kid. We all know that tattling only made it worse.

Teach him to respect guns and yes even how to shoot. Don't make him afraid of guns unless they are pointed at him. Here's the truth.. no matter your opinion about guns, your opinions won't protect your kid from a shooter or criminal.  If your kid is ever attacked you're going to wish he or she was packing.
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Teach your kids to go into dark rooms and face the darkness, don't protect them from it.  Show them how to use a flashlight and keep the batteries fresh.  Because darkness exists everywhere, and it is patently unavoidable.
Let's talk about stranger danger. How about teaching your kid to watch out for and confront strangers rather than teach them to hide or run from them because strangers are everywhere.  Be honest with your kids at an early age about what predators are looking for.  Stop worrying about scaring them, they SHOULD be scared if they knew what some sick people do to kids so TELL THEM!

Teach your kid  how to use their natural great instincts to protect themselves. Show them and talk to them about the big scary world outside by taking them into it and letting them make their own mistakes.

 It's not our jobs to do anything for these young adults. It is our job to show them how to do pretty much everything we know. If you cut your grass you should be showing your kid how to cut grass. If you are baking bread you should be showing your kid how to bake bread. If you're doing laundry you should be showing your kid how to do laundry. It's not just good to teach kids things like this it's our job! And when we don't do it we're not doing our job get it?

So here's a takeaway.. get a life mom.  You're kids will thank you later.

Keep your clothes on!

American teens should not expose themselves, http://fxn.ws/Hvv8lr - Sent via the FOX News Google TV App. Download the app: http://fxn.ws/RRXBEc

Happy Halloween

When did it become cool to be trashy?

http://chicksontheright.com/posts/item/24646-a-mom-s-letter-to-her-daughter-about-miley-cyrus

I have to hand it to the writer of this article I pasted above.  I too have always been the kind of mom who would rather be truthful than sweet to my kids.  Guess it is how I was wired.  My mom died very young, and I was raised by men, so I never got the "sweet" angle that some girls wear so naturally.  Honesty was always so much more important to me...even as a kid.  To me the "sweet" girl is really just a pissed off repressed girl under it all.   And frankly I would rather be kicked in the teeth with the truth than have someone stab a sweet polite dagger into my back.

Perhaps this is why Miley is acting like such an flaming idiot.  Where was truth in her life?  Did anyone ever have the balls to be honest with her?  I don't think so.  Because even now, her father only has some stupid mealy-mouthed PR polished response to her performance at the VMA.  A REAL DAD who was honest would care what OTHER LITTLE KIDS were seeing.  He would have SHAME.  He would say that YES he loved her but that unfortunately he must have made some terrible error somewhere with his kid and that he was sorry that he had unleashed what at this moment appeared to be a pox upon the planet.  Why wont he comment on how ridiculous her behavior is?  This is permissivity RUN AMOK!   After all he is her dad.  He will still be there in the end.  But she made him look like a BAD PARENT. and he OWED it to her to give her a public spanking.   Literally preferred, but if she was not "available" for that then a figurative one.   Here is a creative thought.  He should have had a life size doll of his daughter made.  He should set it in a chair and get video of him lecturing it, grounding it, and giving it a spanking.  Then he should turn to the camera and say "I am so sorry America, and I am sorry to your children....you deserved better from my talented daughter, and it is my prayer that she will find a way to fix this".   Then I would call my daughter and tell her that she needs to make a public apology for what she has done.    Oh, and then I would go beat the snot out of Robin Thicke.  He is a nasty waste anyway.  At least Miley might have hope of actually turning it around.

So where is truth?  Where is the REAL Billy Ray Cyrus who is supposed to be a REAL parent not the guy who consults his bloody publicist before making a comment to the media?  How could she ever respect a dad like that?  He cares more about how he looks to the media than if he is really the kind of dad that Miley needs - a tough loving protector of his daughter.  It's sad that only the public will be honest with her.    So I think the one person she most wanted to shock...to offend wasn't Disney, but her Dad.  She was so pissed at him whoring her out to the public to fawn over her.  Robbing her of her privacy, modesty, and a normal life.    This is the behavior of a girl who wants to SHAME and insult the adults in her life.  And what would motivate this kind of rebellion?

My thoughts are that Billy Ray tried his whole life to be the "cool" country idol dad that every young girl would love to have for a daddy.  But I think Miley knew better.  She didn't give a crap what her friends thought.  Her dad was a materialistic  phoney.   If you live your life pretending to be this "cool" "understanding" "hip" person all the time, doing everything the way that everyone else think you should, without acting like you really feel, who would want to be your kid?  I imagine she might wake up one day and decide that she was tired of living her life to make everyone else happy.

I teach my children that this is their one life and they need to live it for themselves.  Fame never appealed to me (thank God since I am totally un-famous) so I have made every attempt to pass this on to my children.  Even when they were babies people said they should be "baby models".  Then when they got to be teenagers, everyone told them they should model (some would even suggest it was a great way to pay for college).  I would consistently react with a quick SHHH and shut down that conversation. Not interested.  NO THANK YOU.  Keep your empty compliments and flattery to yourself.   I know this is going to shock many Western moms, but I would NEVER want my daughters to be models, movie stars or famous for anything other than doing something really good for humanity like curing cancer or saving a bunch of people from a burning wreck.

I am pretty sure that I might very well be the only mom I know that would NOT EVER want their daughter to model?  And if you think it is because my daughters aren't "pretty" enough, then you have never met my daughters.

The opinion was formed by simple observation.  Who can we point to whose life was made better, richer, more fulfilled because they were famous?  Or SUPER PRETTY?  Life is hard. God is Good.  And when you surround yourself with adoring (idiots) fans who practically worship every word or action or deed that you perform, it is really hard to even know who you are or whether God is even real.  Especially if thousands of people are turning you into some kind of "mini" god (when in fact you are just a girl...not much different than anyone else).   I am not saying that there aren't famous people out there that God has used to reach people in a positive way, but I think it is probably more likely that my daughters are struck by lightening before their fame and fortune and artificially enhanced beauty would bring them to a better understanding of Gods plan for their life.

So perhaps it's Mileys dad that pushed her over the edge.  Perhaps its the screaming fans who she just wanted to STFU.  Either way, that girl with the foam finger was trying to give the big finger to someone.

No more Country Club Living for me. I am back to work!

I was recently called back to work by my old boss.  I reluctantly took a part time position as a HR director/Payroll clerk.  Going from stay home mom - master of my own schedule and domain to a a frenzied multi-tasker who is often caught reading emailing from the commode.

The bad news is my time is just no longer my own.  What on earth did I used to do with my time?  Very little if truth be told.   But alas, I am just a lot more talented at lounging and talking than I am about buckling down to boring, difficult or backbreaking labor. But honestly I am who I am.   I have to stop beating myself up about my shortcomings.  I am just not one of those super moms who decides that she is going to paint or wallpaper her house in her spare time after work.  I am lucky to drag my carcass from the car and fall asleep on my couch at the end of the day.  I would much rather pay more qualified people to take care of my home.

And as you might expect my kids don't like it at all.  They do not have me at their beckoned call anymore (wait, that is a BAD thing? oh wait definitely add that to the PRO column).  They are so shocked when they call me at work and ask me if I can bring them their tennis shoes or softball equipment.  I will never grow tired of saying "I am sorry, I have a JOB NOW" and hanging up.  I know, it is a shocking dose of reality, and it could shock their delicate systems........nah, they will be fine.  Go to the lost and found kiddo, wear someone else's shoes.

The good news is of course the paycheck part, and the fact that I really do enjoy working at something that to use my brain and to utilize my PLETHORA of skills that really were growing rusty while running a household.  I did of course try to incorporate advance spreadsheet skills into the whole motherhood experience, but my kids never really appreciated those fancy chore checklists or the email circles I created to keep in close communication with their teachers.  

I would like to hear from other moms who struggle with inadequacy.  Not because I have any answers for you, but so that I can get a good laugh at those moms who might actually be worse at this game than I am

What to do when you know you are being played

Okay, so I really mislead you by thinking I had the answer to this.  I don't exactly.  But I might be on to something.

First thing to remember...if your child is over the age of 13, he/she already thinks he/she is smarter than you and intends to leverage that to his/her advantage at every (EVERY) opportunity.  I know it is not fair, but if you really think that life is or should be fair, this is probably not a good blog for you anyway.  

Second thing to remember...there is always an agenda.  It may be a simple one, like they want to get out of working or school.  Or it may be a little more devious, like they want to spend some "private time" with their boyfriend.  If you have a daughter, they tend to be more complex creatures.  Daughters know how important being a good mom is to you.  If you let them, they will flip you on a dime using the "Sword of Guilt".   If you watch them too closely, you are not a good mom because you are overprotective and smothering.  If to take your eyes off them for a week or two, and in that time three of their grades drop to a C or a D then it is because you do not care.  When you do get back on their back you get the lecture "Don't act like you care now mom!".  The question begs, what is their agenda?  Usually power or freedom, both of which they have no business having at their tender age.

Third thing to remember is that everything that they do is working toward that agenda.  Crying, being ill, acting hysterical, picking a fight with a girl at school, picking a fight with their father are all TACTICS.  All steps to give them some kind of an advantage or leg up on a future battle or to leverage you to make a decision in their favor in the future.

For example.  A daughter who has been ranting and raving from Monday and Tuesday probably wants to improve the leverage situation with mom before the weekend.  So on Wednesday she will become sad, reflective, perhaps even self-deprecating.  Mom and Dad ask her what is wrong.  Why are you so sad?  She will say its the boyfriend who is treating her like wallpaper or its the bitchy girls at school and the fact that she "has no real friends" to share her feelings with.  But in truth it is probably none of these things.  It really is just a football game she wants to go to on Friday, that she knows she better do some super fast damage control or she will be in the house for the weekend.  She knows the direct approach of saying "okay, I have been impossible, let me know what I can do to fix this, or work I could do around the house to help so I can avoid a weekend jail sentence" will usually include some kind of work or effort on her part.

But a full blown sympathy cruise with mom and dad is so much easier and effective.  Thats right, she will act so forlorn, so depressed, so on the verge of suicide or cutting on Thursday that Mom or Dad will do anything to see their precious baby happy.  So when a "new friend" appears on the weekend horizon (i.e on the way to school Friday morning) and she says this friend is so much nicer than all those awful girls on the volleyball team and she is someone mom would just LOVE to meet, then mom buys it because YES YES YES, I want my daughter to have a better peer group.  The idea of a girl with good Christian values whose parents are engaged in her life and who go to youth group at church is so much better than the misery that existed in our home up until last Tuesday that as a tired and manipulated parent you take the BAIT....and you not only let her go, you give her $20 so she will enjoy herself on that trip with those "nice girls".  You don't find out till later that these girls were just as bad, if not worse than the vball girls, and in fact most of them have already had sex, have their naval peirced, and have sent nude pics to her boyfriend.  Oh and btw, that $20 went to a new push up bra from Victorias Secret.  One that you would search her room every day for the next week so that you can take it from her.

The trick is to know that there is an agenda.  And when you feel yourself being played (and you will if you slow down and listen to what is really being said) you can always say STOP RIGHT NOW!  I am getting off the crazy train.  Oh and btw honey bun, you are not going anywhere this weekend.  Just make sure you say this right after you seize her cell phone.

This is my mommy motto....pass it on!